Where do I go?
The words start and stop
I am here and yet I am not
So willing yesterday to find an end to these thoughts
Foiled completely in daylight
These feelings are false
My doubt is false
I am simply winding and unwinding,
Threatening to take flight
Am I really nothing without these threads?
Tiny explosions
An inside joke
Split into a thousand layers, one for the first half of the day
Another for the parts of us that refuse to remain open
Tightly shut, just the way it’s meant to be
Until it’s not, and we’re erupting in laughter
Honesty spilling out at the seams
/
An explosion of softness
My hand framing your face
All of the excuses melting into itself
The moment demands attention and so we give it what it deserves
(Because we are respectful that way)
I’m underwater, the world is quiet
Your beaming face a warm light to return to
Prerequisites
It is foolish to think that there are indeed prerequisites
for the difficult things that afflict us.
Prerequisite kindness,
time, softness.
All the things that I could not find
in myself to ask for, because
I am tired of pleading
to be thought of, cared for.
Defence
As always, a game of:
who felt the least
who forgot the most
who didn’t say the words,
ask for more.
To be without,
that is the status quo
and anything more is greedy indulgence
a betrayal of all of the mechanisms
we’ve unconsciously agreed to.
A moon lit pool,
your feet dipped in.
Jumping across sand, following footsteps.
How nice, to just be present
Eyes on the escape hatch (but I miss you)
Not quite true
Rewriting what once was
because I must have misconstrued,
overanalysed, jeopardised.
I want to pull myself in ten directions, to feel the full
weight of this grief —
the many griefs I have not allowed myself to feel
One narrative to the next
and I wonder why I’m lonely.